حكايات

بعضُ الحكاياتِ يفضّل دفنها..نسيانها!

فالحديث عنها عبثٌ. يبعثُ على الندمِ و الحسرة...
حديثٌ فارغ...لا يغير من الواقع شيء.

و بعض الحكايات لا يمكن البوح بها،

فالحديث عنها مشين.. لا يلوّن الذكريات،

بل يشوهها.....يدنّسها..

أما البعض الآخر،
فهي ما تبعث فينا الحياة...
تجعلنا ننبضُ حنيناً للماضي...
و شوقاً للآتي الذي كنا قد يئسنا منه.
فنَروِي تلك الحكاياتِ في آنٍ...
و ننفرد بِسَردِها لأنفسنا في آنٍ آخر..

نفهمها أحياناً..و نجهلُ الحقيقة وراءها في أغلبِ الأحيان.
و لكنّها مهما كانت مُبهَمَة،
و مهما كانت مؤلمة...
فهي تُحيينا..
فهل الألم إلا دليلٌ على الحياة...؟
و ما استرجاع الحكايا و الذكرياتِ بضعفٍ،
بل قوة يعجز عن فهمها الكثير ممن اختار الهروبَ حلّاّ...

....................................

بعض الحكايات،
هي في الواقع ما تدفعنا......
إلى الكثير من الكتابات !!

ريم مرتع

٢٣- ٣ -٢٠١٣

١٩:٥٦

SAY

If you ever felt that you have few words to say to someone. Like, something really stuck & you need to clear that lump in your throat...

SAY IT...!

Forget about your pride or ego or dignity or all those shitty stuff that usually ruin our lives.

Say it, because you might never get a second chance.
Say it, so you never regret it.
Say it, before it's too late!!

Stories

Too many stories that can never be told,

and another many stories that were better left untold!!

لحظة

متى أحسست أنك لا تقوى علي المقاومة...

متى خارت قواك و اقتربت من الانهزام...

توقف للحظة...

لحظة واحدة تكفي للتأمل في ما تحارب من أجله،

ثم تساءل......

كيف ستكون حياتي إذا توقفت الآن؟

هل سأتمكن من الاستمرار في العيش دون ما أنا هنا لأجله؟

لا تقلق، فستأتيك الإجابة سريعاً،

و سيكون رد فعلك أسرع و أسرع...

فقد تذكر عند الهروب بعد الاستسلام أن تركض...

اركض بأسرع ما يمكن،

لعلك تتمكن من الفرار!

Human and the Beast

-“Aren’t you afraid of me?”

-“No, Why I should I be?”

-“Because it’s a fact. Normal humans are afraid of beasts & monsters. They run away from them, scream at the top of their hearts & ask for help. Or fight them so hard & slay them into pieces.”

-“Well, is that all you know about a normal human?”

-“Hmm, Yes.”

-“Then, let me tell you more.

“A normal human loves to live in the state of an extreme, like a sponge that is satisfied with water but water is still overwhelming it. Still he can’t survive it for so long, for the sponge needs to be squeezed to give itself a new chance for different satisfaction.

“His heart knows no fear, for recklessness is so powerful as the rush of blood through his veins. And even if he did know fear once, he never falls. Still he believes that courage will never raise him up without FAITH.

“In love, a normal human never chooses. He loves till he overwhelms the loved one with affection and love, wishes that the present moment lasts forever so that he can continue his life living this love moment, and finally die in the arms of passion.

“Still, normal human can hate as much as he loved, kill every feeling…SLAY IT. And pray for the bitter-sweet moments to vanish like they never existed.

“A normal human enjoys life. Lives and smiles, laughs till his heart aches & his eyes shed those clarifying tears. And cries in moments of pain and depression. Where heart bruises and lost memories tear him apart.

“A normal human never gives up. His pride knows no surrender. In his heart, hopes are immortal, and in his tiny fantasy world, dreams DO come true !

“Finally, I would like to say…YES, you were right. Normal Humans run away from monsters and beasts.”

-“You don’t fear me, do you?”

-“No, I’m don’t.”

-“And absolutely you don’t love me that you wanna die in my arms?”

-“Sure I don’t.”

-“Certainly meeting me wasn’t one of your dreams?”

-“Certainly…!”

-“Then Goddamn it WHY AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF ME ?”

-“Because I never claimed to be Normal.”

-“…………?!!!!?”

-“ONLY HUMAN.”

May.5th.2010

6:50 pm

**********

You don’t need to be “Normal” to feel this way. "Sanity" has nothing to do with "Humanity"…!!

If Only...

If Only…

Life would offer me another chance,

So I can face it boldly,

To have more friends,

To never be lonely…

If Only…

Nature blesses me with new eyes,

Eyes that can feel its beauty,

When all the planets & the stars,

And its growing trees & blooming flowers,

Are only in their cycle,

Performing their duty…

If Only…

My pen isn’t out of ink,

And my mind never empties its thoughts.

I’d write again & again.

I’d fly in my fantasy…FREELY !!

If Only…

The strength I lost after punishing those who hurt me,

Might come back to me.

But now, only to defeat my PRIDE,

And forgive them completely…!

If Only…

The bird sings my song again,

And dances freely.

And I join it and simply say ;

‘ Enjoy every moment,

Happy it is or full of melancholy.

Never live it sorrowfully.

Life is all yours,

You’re given it Gladly’…!

If Only…

My warm heart can be regained,

And give away the cold one I own now.

The one I got when I killed every noble feeling,

That got bruised severely…

If Only…

I’m Reborn,

Pure as cotton,

Beautiful as morning dew,

Only then,

Not a single black speck would find its way through.

I’ve learned my lesson deeply…!!

If Only…

Memories can be edited,

Keeping only joyful ones,

So I don’t still feel that pain in the heart,

That aches too bad,

When you cross my mind so suddenly…

If Only…

My friend would come again,

Asking for my help shyly,

Never will I let him down,

The way I did previously.

If Only…

You would come back,

To hold my hand & cuddle me,

And I surrender & forget everything.

You have always been my one,

My Only…!!

If Only…

I have some more time left,

To contemplate in everything around me,

To thank God over & over,

For that was my DESTINY…!

*****

Friday

Sep.25th.2009

12:48 pm

*****

And The “ If Onlys“ Never End…!!

Keep on dreaming...

We all have wishes. We all have dreams.
We build hopes high, construct towers of faith & belief.

Yet, we know that not all dreams can be manifested into reality.
And not all wishes can come true!

Still, we never stopped wishing & dreaming anyway!!!!

كتبتُ...

كتبتُ مِراراً...

و حاولتُ أن لا أفكر كثيراً...

هربتٌ بشعري من الواقع، و بخيالاتي من الحقيقة.

ثم عاودت الكتابة من جديد، لأسجل كل تخيلاتي و أشعاري...

لأحفر كل ما تبقى من مخيلتي و ذاكرتي...

كتبتُ...

حتى يظل لي ما ينبهني دوماً أنّ ما عشته يوماً لم يكن وهماً،

بل حقيقة حاولتُ الهروب منها بكتاباتي...!

الانتظار

لا يستحق الانتظار....

من يعلم أنّك تنتظره و لا يأتي!!

Blank

-It's over! Trust me it is…

But you know what?

It was there…It has always been there!

-What was there?

-That light… It "Used To" blind me with its shine.

-I'm afraid I don't.....

-And you won't!

Ok, listen… Do you know that feeling when you feel the darkness all around you? Like the blackest desert nights...lacking even the least glimpse of the sparkling stars. And then, out of a sudden, you feel the warmth of the promising morning Sun? Approaching, rising up… Turning into a Day!!

-Well, yes!

 It happens actually everyday, but I still can't understand what does this have to do with it?

-This is IT… He "Used To" make my day!

-………………………

-Starting to get into it, aren't you?

Here, let me tell you more;

Wherever I "Used To" go, they "Used To" sparkle.

-What "Used To" sparkle?

-The most beautiful eyes I've ever laid an eye on.

-That's funny!

-That's so real!

Do you think I didn't notice? I "Used To" catch them from the very furthest distances. They were starring at me, following me everywhere, forcing this  adrenaline through my veins.

Taking me somewhere else…Far away, beyond the distant stars!

-And now, they no longer "sparkle"?

-They do… But fake ones!

I don't believe them… Not anymore!

-Perhaps you can't see them right? Or perhaps you have NEVER seen them right?

-…………………….

-…………………….

-Whatever!!

-No Answer?

-What are you after?

-Oh no, nothing in particular.

But tell me, are you happy?

-Huh? Who? Me?

-Yes.

-Yeah, yeah of course I am!

-Hmm….

-Well, you know what's so annoying?

-What?

-Seeing that what you've believed in for years is only fading away… Just like.. "Gone with the wind".

-Well, things change.

-NO, people change… And he so damn changed.

-HE changed?               *Skeptical*

-…………………….

-…………………….?!?

-Well, perhaps I did too!

-But now, since you're telling me it's over & you both changed, why are you speaking about it? Why do you keep thinking of him?

-Because I miss him.

Isn't this enough?

-…………………….           *Smiling*

-I'm mad, I know!

-No, you're lost!

-Perhaps…!

-Do you have any idea how're you ever gonna find your way back?

-Not exactly…But for the present time, all I know is that one day I got used to his presence, and now… I have to get used to his absence.

-Promise me you'll be happy.

-Happiness is a tendency. And I've decided to live happily…

Don't worry, I WILL !!

-Have a beautiful life…

-Thanks, I love you!

**********

When the "USED TOs" are over, get used to their absence…

-ReeM-

P.S.The note's title has nothing to do with the contents... It's just that I couldn't find a good one!!

If... Simply "IF"

When I was travelling through my old papers, I found this piece of poetry among the very old moments of inspiration. It was one of my favourite poems. Yet, I totally forgot about it!!

We DO remember the things that we want to remember & forget what we sincerely want to forget.

Unfortunately, some memories really get out of control...

And when the heart desires something, the mind becomes incapable of saying its word!!! 

"If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

"If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

"If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

"If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much; 

If you can fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds' worth of distance run

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!"

--Rudyard Kipling 

TWENTY THREE

I am Twenty Three, and I am broken!

I’m lost and distracted and disappointed and humiliated and disseminated and dissatisfied and heart broken and burning and dying…. And I am Twenty Three, ONLY twenty three!!

I am lost in memories and found only in my past and dying in this f****** present and not longing for any future… And I am twenty three!!

I am all yours until this moment and I can’t not be yours and I am so dreamy and it’s so hopeless but I am still dreaming and I am not waking up… I am twenty three, and I can’t wake up!!

I am drowning in my tears and there is no way out and I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel yet I am still in denial and I don’t wanna wake up… I am torn into pieces and breathless and blank… And I am twenty three!

I’ve been through hell. I’ve been through heaven. I’ve been through heaven and hell and they both hurt and I am only twenty three and I can’t choose between them but I just wanna feel good and peaceful and it so damn hurts and I am twenty three and I can’t decide whether I want to burn in heaven or burn in hell.

I was called an idiot and YOU called me an idiot yet I still believe I am not and I’ve never been… I am twenty three but I am not an idiot!

I’ve been loyal… I had ethics and morals and values and principles. I had feelings and affection and truth and purity and faith and care and honesty and all the willingness to sacrifice. I witnessed pain and fought for more pain but it was heaven for me to suffer with you but in the end, I was called “stupid”… I am twenty three, and while being twenty three, those were the few things that defined love!

I am twenty three. All broken and lost and torn. Crying and mourning and suffering, and I am only twenty three!

I am so f****** sick and tired and exhausted and suffering and in so much pain and hopeless and aimless and dissatisfied. I am so damn lost in memories and found only in my past and dying in this present and not longing for any future…

And I am still twenty three and it’s not getting any better and it’s not passing and I’m sick of being twenty three!

I don’t wanna cry and I don’t wanna die for this but I don’t even know if I have the choice to survive. I don’t wanna live and be miserable and I don’t wanna die either and I can’t find a way out. I am so trapped and locked and it’s al getting cold around me and I am all alone and I don’t know how to live without you and I can’t remember how was life like when you were not there but I have to move on because I don’t wanna die because you decided to kill me…

You decided to kill me, when I’m only twenty three!!

I am just running and running and running… I am not wishing to smile or even be blank I just wanna keep running till there’s a way out. I still believe there is no way out.

I am still in denial and I can’t believe it ended up but I have to believe because I don’t wanna die…

I am twenty three, and it’s time to believe!!!

I will cry till there are no more tears and mourn till I have nothing else to mourn over and suffer and immerse myself in pain and sorrow until the world swears that I was fighting for something that was worthless…

Only then, I might be able to wake up from my “stupid” dreams and decide to survive…

When I am twenty three, I might decide to survive!!

Feb.25.2012

A Prayer

I wrote this during the gloomy 18 days of the recent Egyptian Revolution in 2011. It's been a while since then, but the memory of each single day still resides in my heart. And the feeling of each beat of my longing heart to freedom still echos... and will remain echoing forever...

_________________________________________________________________________________

A couple of months ago, I was different!

Oh no… hold on!

I'm still the same… It's just that I've adopted different perspectives…

Haven't we all did? Hey… Don't lie!

We change, and we've agreed upon this fact before. And I like it; it means we're growing up (Well, MENTALLY… not speaking about the AGE, you know!?! ;p )

A couple of months ago I had this powerful mood that always leads my feet to keep wandering the streets with my headphones playing some nostalgic music in my ears.

Thoughts and inspiration were rushing so fast. Contemplation was my only company that day.  My eyes were enjoying the sights of……. What am I saying? I was having beauty all around!

Buildings were in such a glorious stance. The shine of their architecture merged with the moonlight; light poles weren't needed anymore.

How I wished to be a millionairess then to enjoy living in one of those buildings!

TRUE… I was a dreamer in a beautiful world…

I knew where I was. I've walked this street hundreds of times. I had to turn the music off for the A'dan broke out from the near mosque.

I was listening to it…

Honestly, I was trying to listen!

The shiver that ran down my spine was rather from the freezing weather than from the reverence of the prayer…

Only then, I realized how lost I was!

Deep down in my heart, I prayed for my lost FAITH to be restored…

I kept walking and walking…

Stopping by some places to recall some memories, and skipping others that I never wanted to remember anymore.

Yes, at that time… I was asking for a lot!

Beggars were running all over the streets. A child came and asked me for money. I told him I didn't have any change, and I moved away.

A couple of months ago, I was only a LIAR!

I passed by my old school. I remembered my purity when I was at kindergarten; I prayed for it to rest in peace!

My childhood dream was swinging between being an Artist and a Pediatric. Then I grew and my dream changed; I became obsessed with planets and stars, so I wanted to become an Astronomer. And I kept growing and my dream kept changing…

Mathematics became my passion (And it's STILL by the way)… But something deep inside was always seeking for more; perhaps a Philosopher or a Psychiatrist. An Anthropologist or an Environmentalist. A defender of Animal Rights, or even of the scattered HUMANITY…

I left my school behind and walked my way back home.

I'm almost done with college, and I'm not even one step closer to any of my lost dreams…

The eagerness to wander once again in the moonlight vanished after that day. For two months, I never wanted to go out!!

TODAY… And only today, I want to go out. I want to feel the wind caressing my cheeks and tickling the hijab over my hair.

I don't want to walk anymore. I want to take faster steps… I want to RUN!!

With all those circumstances, too bad I can't!

Here I am now, standing in my balcony. My eyes that were flirting with the beauty that was here a couple of months ago are only praying blindness from this hideous reality.

Bitter and sour… I don't want to be trapped in this world! I want to go back to my perfect snow globe.

But today -and only today- I shouldn't be selfish. Today I have to skip all my dreams for a while and pray for OUR dream…

PEACE…Bring me peace back!!

I starred at the distant blue sky, and whispered a prayer;

                                    "Restore our SECURITY among those ruins."

                                                          **********

                                                                                        Feb.2nd.2011

                                                                                          

P.S.  Curfew in Egypt is still imposed. We all have no idea when will this nightmare ever end. Incredulity has swept away every speck of faith. Yet one fact we have to be certain about; This will be over… PRETTY SOON!!

                                      إن شاء الله...  

 -ReeM-

Wicked

Of all the dirty ideas that cross my mind occasionally,
Of all the evil thoughts & dark wicked plans that I subconciously -or maybe conciously- get,

Only TWO things always pulled me back;
The fear of the almighty God,
and the stabbing knives of my conscience!

And I'm not quite sure whether I should be ashamed of my poisoned mind,
Or grateful to my regretful soul...!!

كـل مـا لـم يـتـبـقّـى..

تؤثرني أوجاعك و آلامك،

تطاردني...

كأنها توقن أنها لن تجد ملجأً غيري يؤويها.....يحتويها

تسكنني...

أنا و لا أحد غيري. 

حتى بدأت أشك أنها تركتك و ما عادت تسكنك...

بل أصبحت أوجاعك أوجاعي...

و آلامك آلامي...

ثم رحلت أنت...

و تركت لي ما تبقى منك،

و لم تترك لي ما أخذت مني.

تركت ما لا تحتاجه...

و أخذت كل ما أحتاج...

فما عادت ذكرياتك كافية،

و لا أحلامنا سويّاً كافية،

و لا مستقبلنا الذي خططنا له سوياً خطةً آتية!

رحلت...

و تركتني هنا...

أستأنس بأوجاعي و أحزاني و ذكرياتي،

أحاربهم أحياناً.....و أستسلم طوالاً...

فلا أنا أهزمهم،

و لا أنا أنتصر!

لن تعود.. و لن تخفف عني!

لن تكون سنداً أو رفقاً أو بلسماً أو عوناً..

لن تكون قلباً يحنو...

و لا حبّاً يبعث الأمل في الحياة...

فما ذهب قد ذهب،

و من رحل قد رحل...

و من اختار الفراق،

يستحيل عليه البقاء!

بعضهم يظهرون في حياتنا فقط ليثبتوا لنا أننا قادرون على ما كنا نظننا يوماً عاجزين عن فعله....!