TWENTY THREE

I am Twenty Three, and I am broken!

I’m lost and distracted and disappointed and humiliated and disseminated and dissatisfied and heart broken and burning and dying…. And I am Twenty Three, ONLY twenty three!!

I am lost in memories and found only in my past and dying in this f****** present and not longing for any future… And I am twenty three!!

I am all yours until this moment and I can’t not be yours and I am so dreamy and it’s so hopeless but I am still dreaming and I am not waking up… I am twenty three, and I can’t wake up!!

I am drowning in my tears and there is no way out and I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel yet I am still in denial and I don’t wanna wake up… I am torn into pieces and breathless and blank… And I am twenty three!

I’ve been through hell. I’ve been through heaven. I’ve been through heaven and hell and they both hurt and I am only twenty three and I can’t choose between them but I just wanna feel good and peaceful and it so damn hurts and I am twenty three and I can’t decide whether I want to burn in heaven or burn in hell.

I was called an idiot and YOU called me an idiot yet I still believe I am not and I’ve never been… I am twenty three but I am not an idiot!

I’ve been loyal… I had ethics and morals and values and principles. I had feelings and affection and truth and purity and faith and care and honesty and all the willingness to sacrifice. I witnessed pain and fought for more pain but it was heaven for me to suffer with you but in the end, I was called “stupid”… I am twenty three, and while being twenty three, those were the few things that defined love!

I am twenty three. All broken and lost and torn. Crying and mourning and suffering, and I am only twenty three!

I am so f****** sick and tired and exhausted and suffering and in so much pain and hopeless and aimless and dissatisfied. I am so damn lost in memories and found only in my past and dying in this present and not longing for any future…

And I am still twenty three and it’s not getting any better and it’s not passing and I’m sick of being twenty three!

I don’t wanna cry and I don’t wanna die for this but I don’t even know if I have the choice to survive. I don’t wanna live and be miserable and I don’t wanna die either and I can’t find a way out. I am so trapped and locked and it’s al getting cold around me and I am all alone and I don’t know how to live without you and I can’t remember how was life like when you were not there but I have to move on because I don’t wanna die because you decided to kill me…

You decided to kill me, when I’m only twenty three!!

I am just running and running and running… I am not wishing to smile or even be blank I just wanna keep running till there’s a way out. I still believe there is no way out.

I am still in denial and I can’t believe it ended up but I have to believe because I don’t wanna die…

I am twenty three, and it’s time to believe!!!

I will cry till there are no more tears and mourn till I have nothing else to mourn over and suffer and immerse myself in pain and sorrow until the world swears that I was fighting for something that was worthless…

Only then, I might be able to wake up from my “stupid” dreams and decide to survive…

When I am twenty three, I might decide to survive!!

Feb.25.2012